Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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