Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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