just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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