I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
