you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize