Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
