i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
