he shaved USA in his pubs
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
