dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
