(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Houston, we have a squirter
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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