have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
