I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
