I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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