i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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