I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Randomize
