my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
