I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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