If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
