Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
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