I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
