You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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