the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
