I'm sorry my penis didn't work
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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