This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
