Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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