Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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