first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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