Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
