I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
