Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
