She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
