OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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