Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
why do cheetos always look like penises
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
