There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
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