Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
