She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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