we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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