I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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