you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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