Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
so much tequila, so little girl.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
