Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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