I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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