Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
