sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
