proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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