Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
