Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
