I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
