What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize