I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
