Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i think i have herpe
just one?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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