Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
