maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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