Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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