I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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