When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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