You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
