Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Randomize
