This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
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