Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
