you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
