You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
The feeling are messing with the penis
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
