I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
